"Nothing's Funny"

(Copied from my notepad)
I'm sitting in an average 'pret-a-manger' pretender, trying to stay awake, take in the past 12 hours and make sure I don't miss this train to Bristol, then Cardiff.

I'm in Birmingham after Dean (rep from Brumski trip) decided he wanted a shag and organsied a Brumski reunion. He mobilised his lads and I couldn't really be bothered, I didn't get on particularly get on with mine- it was pleasant enough for sure but not something that I would pursue. I have very little desire to 'hang out' with them, but so as to avoid looking like an unpopular dick I invited them hoping they wouldn't show up.

Left Cardiff a little late and missed my train, got on the wrong Bristol train (there are 2 stations) so missed my connection so I arrived 1 1/2 hours late, fortunately I managed to avoid ticket inspectors through various methods.

Dean met me at the station with a couple of beers and I got a couple of bottles of Frosty Jacks, prelashed with Dean's favourite lads who to be fair were good guys and included the deputy head boy of RGS from when I was in about year 9 I think more likely to be 10 actually, anyway, that was funny. Went to 'Gunnies' the local pub and saw the reps, Tiller and Milsy, was actually nice to see Milsy but Tiller is severely average. Had a sleep in the loo for about an hour I reckon, Dean had left by this time and so I went to 'custard' with the Brumski committee leaving Dean to go to 'FAB'(which quite frankly is a shit name) with his boys.

Custard was the most amazing place I've ever seen, like a mall of shops, with a lake-y fountain in the centre, with bars, corner shops and what I could only guess was a warehouse(??!). Each with a huge soundsystem, I was pretty fucked by this stage and my brain must have taken a day off work because once I'd become accustomed to the surroundings one of the committee guys offered me a pill which I took- he was dubious of its potential but when I saw him later we both agreed it had certainly done something. I went on my usual drunk quest of just strolling around, without much intention. I just couldn't take in the enormity of the place and would love to know whether it's a weekly thing (it isn't). There were so many black guys trying to sell shit and a load of G's but in my pilled up state I was oblivious to any danger posed by this collision of white and black, with the potential of alcohol fuelled violence.

At some point I had to get more money from a cash point and ran halfway around Birmingham, literally I must have been sky high- ridiculous.

Out by the dubstep area, which was outside by the lake I made big eye contact with a similar glass wearing-blonde, it was odd and hard to recall the specifics of the anything that happened on this night but I am trying. It felt like a scene in Skins as I approached and somehow I bought some mephadrome of her for a fiver. She recommended I took half and off I trotted to the loo's without even considering what I was going to do?! The boys toilets were so flooded and there was some cleaner dude in them so I went to the girls without even really thinking how weird this was- went in, poured it out on the flush, rolled my tenner up and snorted. It hurt. It felt like a burning sensation and then I loved life, it was incredible.

I walked out of the cubicle, looked in the mirror and now I think about the situation the girls there were staring incredulously at me. I thought it was the most normal situation in the world. Outside everyone was my friend, I was rolling beautiful cigarettes for people if they gave me a paper and chatting away. To dealer girl and her FIT friend rosie, both had boyfriends and this was a downer. I met Shazaa, another dealer and he bought me a drink and told me to get to his afterparty, introduced me to his mates and we danced, it was crazy.

As the night closed, Milsy and Tiller tried to get me to go back with them but I said I would stay with some other people. An hour or so later custard closed and suddenly I realised I'd lost Shazaa and his mates, dealer girl was too cool to take in a stray although I did my best. Then I spotted a guy in a denim shirt who I'd given a rollie to, I approached, we chatted and met his mates and basically got offered to go back and have a smoke with them.

It had already been the most incredible night- besides weed I'd never taken anything and in a town I didn't know, I dropped and snorted, lost the people I was going out with and now was going to stay in a strangers house. It was about to get alot stranger.

What I hadn't realised was that it was now 6 am, we got back to their accomodation- turned out they were first year's at UCB, like UWIC for Cardiff I guess. Then we sat in one of their bedroom's smoking weed and watching the sun rise and shatter our bubble. Although my body was tired, my brain wouldn't let sleep come and neither would a Simon Pegg lookalike, who, between 7 and 10 am drank over a litre and a half of vodka, threw potatoes at joggers passing by, whilst abusing them, encouraged the consumption of a shot of vodka through the eye by several members of the stoner crew, made me eat a huge block of cheese and a digestive. I also snorted a line of ash, not pleasant at all, but far preferential to vodka in the eye. They seemed to have a limitless supply of weed and vodka, it was insane. Every time he poured himself more vodka this guy would do this hilarious thing where he span the lid off the bottle whilst sliding his arm forward as if serving a wine bottle to a customer.
Eventually at 10:30 I left and Jordan and hopefully Simon Pegg went to bed, throughout the duration of the downing, eating and snorting one by one the attendee's had been disappearing to sleep leaving me and the original denim guy to face to wrath of this ginger, sports science studying chav- who made us down a characteristically alcohol-heavy concoction of vodka and ribena before we left.

I thought it was over but now I was locked in a gated community, no doubt with angry joggers circling outside. I found the lowest wall without spikes on but it was still insanely high, climbed it and then someone started shouting at me so I had to jump off and runn.

I got back to the prelash location on the train, or at least near it, problem was I couldn't remember which house it was. I saw one I recognised and just to check before knocking peered through the letter box. Admittedly this was a stupid idea but seriously, who stands next to their letterbox waiting for someone to look through it on a sunday morning?! I turned and walked out the short drive and then froze as a tirade of abuse hit me- some guy in a wife beater just went nuts at me, telling me he was going to stab me, which was more than believable, he asked me what I was doing but either I was still fucked or he was the least intelligent human ever and didn't understand- this didn't improve his mood "you fucking cunt, Never come past my house again, NEVER, you hear me you fuck! Never come near here again! Where do you live? WHERE DO YOU LIVE?!" "Ermm Cardiff." "WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. I'M GOING TO FUCKING STAB YOU, YOU CUNT" I was exhausted and in no way for a fight which even in my best condition I'd have probably have lost. I pointed out that there were several joggers around and someone would see- then he ordered me to close his gate and let me go. I had been tempted to run off but I'd have tripped in my sleep deprived state and his rabid dogs would have had me for dinner.

I arrived in Cardiff at 4, safe and sound. wish I had photos